Season of the Witch

I think it's safe to say that Nicholas Cage has accepted that he isn't the most popular actor in Hollywood, so he'll do just about anything for a paycheck these days. Therefor, it's not that surprising that he took the lead role in Season of the Witch, a fantasy/horror/buddy/road trip hybrid of a snoozer.

Set in 14th century England, Cage and Ron Perlman play two Crusaders who've gone AWOL after realizing they've spilled too much innocent blood in the name of God. Unfortunately, the first town they stop in back home is suffering under the shadow of a deadly plague, a plague that the town has blamed on a young woman who happened to be passing through. The woman is accused of witchcraft and needs to be escorted to a monastery in the mountains where the monks will use their holy magic take her powers from her. Cage and Perlman are promised absolvement for their sins if they assist in the witch's transportation. But wait, isn't that what they went to the Crusades for? Ironyyyyyyy...

There's nothing particularly special about this movie. It's not completely horrible, but it's also not that great. It's just a boring waste of money that you probably won't even remember six months from now.

The plot in general is sadly predictable, and while the filmmakers want you to spend the whole time wondering whether the woman is a witch or not, the trailers kind of spoil it. That being said, Claire Foy does do a good job as the title character. So if you see this movie without having seen the trailer, her performance would probably seem a bit better.

Whenever Nicholas Cage was on the screen, I thought to myself, Thank God he's not trying to use an English accent, and whenever Ron Perlman was on screen, I thought, When is Hellboy 3 coming out? The pair does have a descent amount of chemistry in the film, but it's that cliche kind of chemistry that you see in any kind of buddy action movie. Their performances were pretty straight forward, cookie cutter, badass personas that plenty of lesser known actors could have done.

Speaking of English accents, how amazing is it that non-American actors like Christian Bale, Sam Worthington and Daniel Day-Lewis can play convincingly American characters, yet Americans can't be convincing as anything but Americans? Seriously, we have a huge outsourcing problem in this country. And I'm not talking about factory workers or call center employees, I'm talking about mainstream film acting jobs. It's kind of bizarre that the two main characters of a movie set in Medieval England are played by the only two non-European native actors in the cast.

Cage's character also keeps bringing up the fact that he no longer believes in the church and the imperfect men who run it. It's a common thing to see in religious themed movies these days; a protagonist who once believed in what preachers have told him who begins to question the church, due to an inner conflict of logic or emotion. I mean, sure, Christianity doesn't exactly have a model resume, and perhaps the church made a few mistakes over the last couple millenniums, but how much more anti-religious symbolism do we need? Then again, I guess a straight forward, zealous character would be too dry and politically incorrect for today's audience, wouldn't it?

While the technical side of the movie is good, including the special effects, Season of the Witch is an easy skip to make. It's a new year with plenty of other great stuff on the horizon, so just save your cash and ignore this one.

Splatterhouse

Way back in 1988 Namco released the original Splatterhouse for the arcade and the TurboGrafx-16. This dark and gory “beat ‘em up” side-scroller gained a small following, allowing the Japanese company to release three sequels. Now, Namco Bandi Games has revived the franchise in a 3-dimensional remake with a heavy metal soundtrack. Sadly, this game is merely the latest one to cram up the testosterone filled market of M rated video games.

Splatterhouse brings back the four main characters of the original game. You play as Rick Taylor, a college student who tags along with his girlfriend, Jennifer, to her interview with Dr. Henry West for a college newspaper. But when they arrive at West’s mansion, Rick is attacked by monsters that kidnap Jennifer. Left for dead, Rick’s blood comes in contact with an Aztec burial mask that has fallen on the floor. The blood awakens a nameless demon trapped in the mask, who tells Rick that they can save Jennifer if he wears the mask. It heals Rick’s wounds and turns him into a muscular freak. Now Rick will have to fight his way through hordes of demons, zombies and genetically altered freaks to save his girlfriend, all while dealing with the annoying jokes of the demon in the Terror Mask.

One thing this remake does right is use a lot of the elements of the original games. While Rick’s primary offense is his unnaturally meaty fists, he’ll also find weapons along the way, including 2x4’s with nails in them, severed limbs, and chainswas. Rick has the ability to heal, even if he loses an arm, which he can then pick-up to defend himself with. The game occasionally switches to side-scroller format, paying homage to its predecessors.

Also, if there’s an award for bloodiest game of 2010, no one will be surprised when Splatterhouse wins it. If you’ve got a weak stomach, watch out for the gallons and gallons of blood what will spray everywhere, including across the screen, when Rick smashes, slashes, shoots, and dismembers his enemies. Blood is used as currency for character upgrades, as well as unlocking certain doors.

There’s also a decent soundtrack of thrash and death metal, featuring a good balance between mainstream acts like Lamb of God and Mastodon, and lesser known artists like Invisible Enemies and WolfShirt.

Sure, all of this stuff sounds great…if you’re a 14-year-old. The gory gameplay tends to get a bit repetitive, the humor is mediocre at best, and it feels a bit creepy to collect reassembled pictures of Rick’s topless girlfriend. (Seriously, you'll actually spend time reassembling nude pictures of Jennifer.) What is it with M rated games that seem to be made for kids that are too young to legally purchase them? I know this game isn't meant to be taken seriously as art, but come on!

Also, the button command mini-games don’t always seem to respond properly, and items tend to glitch into the air and become unreachable.

If you get bored you can also play through the survival arena, and unlock three of the original Splatterhouse games.

Overall, this game is a good rental for action fans that need to let out some frustration, but it’s definitely not worth a $60 purchase.

Available for Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. Rated M for Mature. Published and developed by Namco Bandi Games.

Image provided courtesy of VideoGamesBlogger.com.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II

As the sequel to Lucas Arts' fastest selling game in company history, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II had a lot of pressure on its shoulders. When the gameplay of the original Force Unleashed turned out to be mediocre and forgettable, the announcement of a sequel gave gamers high hopes for a better combat system, and an overall better game. Too bad The Force Unleashed II seems to create more problems than it solves.

In this sequel you continue to story of Darth Vader's secret apprentice with a stupid name, Starkiller. (Spoiler Alert) After dying at the conclusion of the light side ending from the first game (or did he?), Starkiller is cloned (or is he?) on planet Kamino in order to continue to serve his master. However, Starkiller is haunted by the memories of his original self (or are they his own memories?), and decides to defy Vader and search for his girlfriend, Juno. General Kota also returns to try to convince Starkiller to lead the new Rebellion, plus there's cameos from Boba Fett, Princess Leia, and Yoda.

Starkiller's journey takes him to the familiar planets of Kamino, Geonosis, and Dagobah; as well as the Rebel starship, The Salvation.

The combat system isn't too different from the first game. You'll have two lightsabers this time, and you can also use the Jedi mind trick to convince enemies to fight each other or leap to their doom. The upgrade system, however, has been simplified. Each basic force power has three ranks, and Starkiller has almost all of them available at the beginning of the game. Lightsaber cores and color crystals have also been fused together. (I don't know about you, but I like being able to choose what kind of add ons I have and what color my lightsaber's blade is.)

The game's biggest problem is the story length. I'm going to be honest: this is one of the shortest retail games I've ever played. I'd estimate maybe five hours total of playtime. FIVE HOURS!? Are you serious!? And for $60!? No thank you sir. I'd rather burn my cash; at least I'll be able to cook some food and keep warm for about three minutes. At the end of the game, it's obvious that Lucas Arts intended The Force Unleashed to be a trilogy, if not longer. There's also at least one DLC due sometime in the future, so it looks like they're trying to garb all the money they can get.

The poor length of this game also hurts everything else in it. Character upgrades are rushed, there's only two real boss battles, and Boba Fett and Yoda only get 30 seconds of screen time a piece. Sure, there's plenty of mini-boss battles to be had, but they're limited in variety and get boring quick.

Of course, the game isn't completely horrible. Most of the force powers and lightsaber fights are still fun for any Star Wars fan. The force grip ability has especially shown significant improvement in control and usefulness. The game also looks and sounds like any Star Wars game should, even though John Williams didn't write the new score. Another new feature this time around is dismembering stormtroopers. (And yet it still got a T rating?)

There's also some challenges to keep you distracted, and I guess it's worth your time if you seriously need to unlock every single achievement, costume, and bonus material.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II is probably one of the most disappointing games of 2010. If you're a fan of the franchise, just rent it so you can unlock the Boba Fett costume and live a bit of nerd fantasy. Otherwise, stay "far, far away" from this game. (I know, I hate puns too.)

Available for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC and MAC. Also available for Nintendo DS. Rated T for Teen. Produced and developed by Lucas Arts. Also developed by Aspyr Media for PC version, and Red Fly Studio for Wii version.

Image provided courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

Fallout: New Vegas

In the follow-up to one of the best games of 2008, Fallout 3, Bethesda Softworks is back with another post-nuclear role playing game. This time, however, Bethesda focused on producing, while Obsidian Entertainment took control of development. And instead of Washington, D.C., Fallout: New Vegas takes place in--you guessed it--a revived Las Vegas. But are these changes worth $60? That's a slope slipperier than liquid mercury, slipping down...a sloping...thing. (Steve Martin rules!)

Fallout: New Vegas takes place in the portion of the Mojave Desert that surrounds Las Vegas, now known as New Vegas. While most of America's other major cities were ripped to shreds during the nuclear holocaust of 2077, Vegas made it out virtually unscathed. Thanks to Hoover Dam, it gets a healthy supply of clean water and power. It's currently controlled by the New California Republic, a faction that superfans would remember from the earlier Fallout games. But an army of slaver tribes calling itself Cesar's Legion wants to take control of the dam, thus controlling New Vegas. You play as a courier who managed to get him/herself caught up in the middle of this struggle. You can choose to join either side, or join no one at all. It's up to you.

Much of the gameplay style isn't different from Fallout 3, but there are a few notable differences. For example, the companion system has improved. You can now have one human and one non-human in your party, and it's easier to get them to behave the way you want them to. Along with the returning workbench you used to build new weapons, there are also campfires and reloading benches you can use to make new healing items and ammunition. Ammunition is now available in armor piercing and hollowpoint, and can be crafted or purchased from dealers. You can also look down the sights of many of your guns.

But of course, what would a game set in Sin City be without gambling mini-games? Along with blackjack, roulette and slot machines, Obsidian also invented their own confusing game called Caravan. (If you figure out how to play it, please explain it to me.)

The biggest addition to the game is hardcore mode. Designed for those who thought Fallout 3 was too easy, hardcore mode truly makes wasteland survival more difficult. It makes your character need food, water and rest in order to stay alive. It also gives weight to ammunition and limits the effectiveness of stimpacks. The game even recommends not playing in hardcore mode. But if you really want a challenge, and or you're an achievement/trophy whore, don't say I didn't warn you.

The New Vegas Strip is to Fallout: New Vegas what D.C. was to Fallout 3; the place where all the danger and fun is. But don't forget to explore the entire map, which is mostly settlements and abandoned buildings scattered across the Mojave Desert. There are so many quests to complete, Bethesda has boasted over 100 hours of content. But like Fallout 3, you won't seem to mind. The storylines and gameplay of New Vegas is just as addictive as it's predecessor.

That being said, there are a few things that make this game fall a bit short of the standards that Fallout 3 set back in 2008. The game will freeze at times due to glitches in the computer code. In fact, Bethesda has already released a patch to fix this issue. The main story is also a bit weaker this time around, although there is a greater number of possible endings this time. I also found the crafting process a bit more annoying this time around. I got tired of hauling around all of these ingredients and parts that I couldn't even combine.

At the end of the day, Fallout: New Vegas is just as fun and addictive as the last Fallout game, despite the issues it has. From excellently crafted post-nuclear settings, to hilariously entertaining characters, it's what every fan of the series would come to expect. Grab your copy now, and be ready for the first DLC scheduled for this holiday season, exclusively on the Xbox 360.

Available for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC. Rated M for Mature. Produced by Bethesda Softworks, developed by Obsidian Entertainment.

Image provided courtesy of Unigamesity.com.

Enslaved: Odyssey to the West

You know how a lot of third-person games involve the annoying task of protecting an NPC one or more times in the game? Well, imagine doing that for the entire game! Now you can with Ninja Theory's latest lackluster title, Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, an action-adventure/platformer that seems to have all the same flaws as Heavenly Sword.

The game takes place 150 years in the future, where the world is a wasteland ruled by machines and slavers. You play as Monkey, your typical lone badass who wanders this post-apocalyptic world while fighting for his own survival, blah blah blah. One day he wakes up imprisoned on a slaver airship, but manages to escape when it crashes in what used to be New York City.

He awakens to find himself wearing a slave's headband. It was applied by another crash survivor, Trip, a techie who looks suspiciously similar to the main character of Heavenly Sword. (Guess Ninja Theory has a thing for scantily clad women with red, braided hair.) Trip has modified the headband to work for her. If Monkey doesn't follow her orders, she gives him a headache. If he still resists, the pain kills him. And if she dies, so does he. So...basically they're married. Zing!

Anyway, if Monkey wants his freedom, he'll have to help Trip get back to her village, which is located somewhere west of New York. Along the way, they have to help each other fight their way through hordes of mechs that know only one thing: kill all humans.

What makes Enslaved different from Heavenly Sword is it's smaller focus on combat and story, or greater focus on platforming and puzzle solving. Does that make it any better? Of course not. It only takes about seven hours play, and there's zero replay value. While everything is upgradeable, the combat is still pretty stale. And the story balances between unoriginal and boring.

Now, I can't say I hated everything about Enslaved. Like Heavenly Sword, the backgrounds are breathtaking. The enemy AI is also descent, and weapons like the laser shooting staff and the hover board are fun for a while. You'll also occasionally have the chance to choose stealth over direct combat, which can sometimes make things more interesting. There's also a third character who brings some comic relief to the game about halfway through, making the dialogue a bit more entertaining.

Besides the main story, the only other thing there is to do is the downloadable content, and it's not even out yet!

While I can't say I can't say this game was completely horrible, I also can't even recommend renting Enslaved:Odyssey to the West. There's nothing original or impressive about it, so don't waste your time.

Available for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. Rated T for Teen. Published by Namco Bandi Games, developed by Ninja Theory.

Spider-man: Shattered Dimensions

With so many alternate universes created in the Spider-man comic book franchise, it only makes sense to try to see what would happen if four of these web-slingers came together in one story. And while making that story into a game sounds like it would keep it from getting repetitive, Spider-man: Shattered Dimensions doesn't completely get the job done.

While battling with Mysterio in a museum, Spidey accidentally shatters the Tablet of Order and Chaos. The destruction of this artifact threatens the space-time continuum, so Madame Web charges Spider-man, along with three of his alternate universe counterparts, to retrieve the pieces and reassemble them before all existence is erased. The player alternates between the Amazing Spider-man, Ultimate Spider-man (in the black suit), Noir Spider-man (from the Marvel Noir comics), and Spider-man 2099 (from the comic series of the same name).

The Amazing Spider-man is the original and best known of the four. His combat style is pretty basic, and not too far from anything we've seen already; just punch, kick, and shoot your webbing everywhere.

Ultimate Spider-man is wearing the black suit (which eventually is worn by Eddie Brock, turning him into Venom), but Madame Web keeps him telepathically shielded from any of its negative effects. He has the ability to go into "rage mode," making him temporarily stronger and harder to kill.

Noir Spider-man takes place in 1933. He is weaker, and his enemies all have tommy-guns and flashlights, so he has to rely on stealthily taking them down one by one. Unfortunately, Beenox's stealth system isn't very good.

Spider-man 2099 isn't Peter Parker, he's Miguel O'Hara. He has a few falling sequences that require dodging things in his way. He also has the ability to temporarily slow time down, but its pretty much useless outside of the falls.

Instead of an open world to explore, there are thirteen levels to play through. Each version of Spider-man gets three solo missions, and you're somewhat allowed to choose the order you play them in. But the gameplay still get's old quick. There's a different supervillain on each level, and they've all got a piece of the Tablet, which gives them different superpowers. Every level consists of two boss battles, some henchmen beat-up sessions, and civilian rescues. While that alone makes the replay value seem non-existent, there are plenty of challenges to complete that will give you points to unlock new moves and costumes. You can also replay levels to finish any challenges you've missed.

One major flaw with the controls is the camera. It's especially difficult to control when you're on a wall or a ceiling, which takes away from the authenticity of the Spider-man experience. Also, every boss fight at some point requires going into a first person view and using the analog sticks to get into a fist fight with your enemy. It's no fun, and feels like a waste of time and computer code.

The game's overall story also feels a bit lacking, probably because four different stories is too much to take in in just 8 to 10 hours. However, there are plenty of familiar voices to the characters, including Spider-men from different versions of the televised cartoon. Spider-man's creator Stan Lee even narrates the whole thing, and who doesn't love Stan Lee?

Overall, this game falls somewhat short of its high expectations. It's no Arkham Asylum, but it's definitely an improvement to Web of Shadows. Spidey fans should rent Spider-man: Shattered Dimensions, and hope Activision can get it right next time.

Rated T for Teen. Available for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, Nintendo Wii and PC. Produced by Activision, deleloped by Beenox. Also available for Nintendo DS, developed by Griptonite Games.

Image provided courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

Machete

If you saw Grindhouse's theatrical release back in 2007, you may remember seeing a fake trailer for Machete. What's even more interesting is that Machete was an idea that first got into co-director/producer/writer Robert Rodriguez's head back in 1993 when he cast Danny Trejo for Desperado. In my opinion, this movie should have been made 10 years ago, because Trejo is a very underrated actor when it comes to action films. He's a former prison boxing champion and recovered drug addict turned actor who has never had a leading role until now. He's always a villain or a sidekick. And if Machete happened sooner, he'd be at a somewhat more convincing age for his character (the man is 66!)

In this Grindhouse style flick, the title character is an ex-Federale turned illegal day laborer who's hired by a shady businessman (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate a Texas state senator (Robert De Niro) who has strong views against illegal immigration. Little does he know that the job is a set-up to improve De Niro's chances for reelection. With help from an underground "Network" of immigrant activists lead by Michelle Rodriguez, and a sexy immigration enforcement officer (Jessica Alba), Machete must hunt the bad guys down to clear his name and get his revenge.

When you see a name like Robert Rodriguez in the credits, you know that this movie is all about fun and doesn't take itself too seriously. However, there's also a bit of a political message regarding immigration that actually makes the film a bit more enjoyable. And while the plot slows down a bit in the middle, it's still worth the price of a ticket. Just be ready for a lot of gore and nudity. Cheech Marin and Lindsay Lohan also have their own great comical roles, but I won't say any more than I need to.

Two issues I had with the casting was with Alba and Steven Seagal. Alba isn't known for he acting ability, just her looks; and Seagal is promoted as the first supporting actor, even though he doesn't get as much screen time as you'd expect. He also doesn't even get to be himself until the brief sword fight at the end. I think both of these actors were only cast for their names to help the movie sell better, and could have been easily replaced.

Overall, Machete isn't perfect, but it's still one of the most fun movies you'll see this year. Check it out, and feel free to speculate on whether we'll see this made into a trilogy.

Image provided courtesy of Wikipedia.org.