Duke Nukem Forever

If the only thing that kept you from killing yourself over the last 15 years was the foolish hope that a sequel to Duke Nukem 3D would come out, get ready to learn the meaning of disappointment, because Duke Nukem Forever is one of the worst comebacks in the history of comebacks. Seriously, after a decade and a half of delays, company budget cuts and development responsibility transfers, this dying horse has finally limped onto retail shelves worldwide, and it suuuuuuuuuuucks.

Twelve years after the events of Duke Nukem 3D, the aliens have returned to earth (possibly for revenge against the title character, but it's never made clear), so it's up to Duke to save the world...again. And Duke hasn't changed one bit. He's still a trash talking, beer swilling, stogie sucking, 'roids raging chick magnet that loves to quote movies after a kill and never takes his sunglasses off. What's different now is that he's a global phenomenon. He owns The Lady Killer, a Las Vegas hotel and casino intended solely to boost Duke's ego. Everyone walking the face of the Earth knows Duke, and loves him like he's all four members of The Beatles rolled up into one.

I will say this, Duke Nukem Forever will definitely give a feeling of nostalgia for those who were playing shooters in the 90's, and it's got plenty of funny moments. However, while the character Duke Nukem passed as a parody of the uber-masculine heroes that were clogging pop culture at the time, in this game he's almost required to be a parody of himself in order to still be passable in a time where video games are prominently more politically correct than they once were, particularly when it comes to female characters. And in case you were wondering, yes, this game has a strip club, and yes, there's plenty of bare breasts to behold. Apparently Duke Nukem's target demographic hasn't changed: adolescent boys who can't find any porn.


The story itself is pretty limited outside of the jokes, and it feels longer than it needs to be. Seriously, the entire game itself feels like one big joke.

The gameplay seems torn between the past and present. Level design is still simple and confusing, and enemies go down pretty easily. However, instead of running around looking for health packs, Duke's "ego" slowly regenerates over time. Maximum "ego" can be increased by interacting with objects in the game, such as dumbbells, porn magazines, and urinals (not kidding).

Multiplayer is also available in Duke Nukem Forever, but it's nothing outstanding compared to what else is out there right now.

Before I finish, I feel I should give my warning to any parents of young children that find this review. Please, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT let your children play this game. Gaming already has enough targets on its back from politicians, pundits, preachers and parents who go crazy whenever they find something to be offensive in this medium. Now that a game as openly (albeit humorously) sexist as this one is on the market, and is getting mainstream advertisement, the industry could be seriously crippled if parents don't take responsibility for what media they allow their kids to consume. And if you still don't understand the USRB rating system, here's all you really need to know: M rated games are (basically) equivalent to R rated movies. Need I say more?

Now that that's out of the way, if your craving a re-imagination of treasured memories of the past, or you're looking for a good laugh, or if you just want to finally play this game after waiting for so long, save your money and rent it, then pat yourself on the back for being so thrifty.

Available for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC. Rated M for Mature. Published by 2K Games, developed by 3D Realms and Gearbox Software.

Image provided courtesy of Wikipedia.org.